Hi, I'm Sam. What follows is a sort of FAQ.

There are some discussions you find yourself in over and over again. It's like scratching a delicious itch. Or maybe once you've covered a topic you see no need to revisit it, and in a bid to enjoy the quiet life are willing to forgo the possibility of making converts to your point of view. Unable to commit fully to either course, I'm pondering the wisdom of autofill. You know how it works online: you start filling a form and your stock answers magically appear.

Against all expectations of someone normally on the Guardian side of opinion, I voted for. Being an immigrant myself I personally welcome newcomers as long as they pass my own citizenship test, first question being Do you have a sense of humour?

Clinton or Trump?
How can you ask this? Neither.

Speaking of the unspeakable 2016 election, is it time to skedaddle?
Keeping in mind this was written before Trumpageddon.

At least not yet. Though it’s always good to plan ahead just in case it looks like some other big red button is going to be pushed, in which case we’re all going to be ducking.

I’m old enough to remember the post-W panic. (Ok, you don’t have to be that old to remember that.) Then there was the post-Reagan panic, though he had at least been governor of California without it falling into the sea. It remains good advice, nervous-making as president-elect Trump is to trillions of life forms across the universe (the Vegans were just about to make first contact, having been watching reruns of M*A*S*H for years and thinking us a fine species for having produced a Larry Gelbart – “Take us to Radar” was going to be their first request; needless to say, plans are on hold. Yes, I’m aware of a logic fail of news of the most recent American election not having travelled those light years yet, but stay with me here). Sorry, where was I? Right, on panicking.

An anxious American can stay, accept that all life is suffering and this too shall pass. Or join The Resistance, fighting for a better tomorrow. Or throw in the towel and make your way to the exit in an orderly fashion.

Labour or Conservative
Also neither. Not UKIP, either. I'm just not a party animal.

I didn't dance in the street when she went to purgatory, but I don't think the lady on the iron throne was a force for good.


OK, enough politics. Where do you live?
Far East Sussex, not terribly far from Hastings. (But not terribly close, either. Let's just call it neither here nor there.)

How did you come to live in the UK?
Twas TWES. We've been here since MCMXCV.

Do you speak any foreign languages?
British English with a smattering of French.

None, though I may pick up The Leeds Leek if I find one on the train.

What books do you like to read?
Golly, what don't I?

Do you ever say 'Golly' in real life?
I fall roughly in the middle of the continuum between Al Swearengen and Ned Flanders.

Isn't this FAQ getting a little long?
Yes. Yes it is.

Fav TV shows?
The Sopranos. Deadwood. Breaking Bad. The Knick. The Bridge. Rectify. The Larry Sanders Show. Peep Show. Mad Men. Armando Iannucci and Charlie Brooker productions. How Do You Want Me?. Anything with David Attenborough and/or gorillas in it.

Let's skip those and go straight to the Oscars. I liked the one where Sally Field stood and sobbed on Jack Palance's back as he grunted out one-handed pushups, with Adrien Brody kissing everybody and The Dude abiding as George C. Scott paced backstage. Co-hosted by Melissa Leo and David Niven.

Dietary preferences?
Sugar and lots of it.
(Sadly) seriously, I'm on the green end of the spectrum.

Vegans don't do 'pets'. I was always a bad vegan. Meet O.

So you don't exploit animals, eh?
I exploit them mercilessly for captions. People are animals, so I do them, too.

I like to ride my bicycle / I like to ride my bike. But not race.

Not too fond of facehuggers.

How do you breathe?
I'm a mouthbreather. You see the problem.

Belong to any clubs?
Just two: Velosolo Club and Club Zero.

Are you about to fall off that bike?

Do you have any other FAQs?