The pub quiz is a great British institution in which teams compete as a way of exercising their grey matter while simultaneously destroying it as fast as they can. The first recorded quiz was held jointly by the Normans and the Saxons in 1066 as a prelude to the battle of Hastings so that whoever lost the next day wouldn't go home feeling like they hadn't won anything. Our version is specially adapted for foreigners with a bias towards the invading army of Americans, and offers multiple choice for basically the same reason. To further level the playing field incorrect answers are scored the same as correct ones, so actually ticking the boxes yields no theoretical advantage.

Round One
20 questions

1. What is the difference between the United Kingdom, Great Britain, the British Isles, and England?

The United Kingdom used to cover approximately 90% of the world's surface area, or all the pink bits on the maps, whichever was greater. It's now a fancy name for Great Britain, which itself consists of 6,289 islands (yes, somebody counted, and they included rocks the waves don't quite wash over). The British Isles are just the biggest rocks. England is that green and pleasant land you see in coffee-table books under skies photoshopped a lovely blue
The United Kingdom includes the colonies; Inland Revenue still considers all Americans to be grossly overdue on their tax returns. Great Britain refers to those parts of the UK that tourists are permitted to visit: London, Stratford-upon-Avon, Oxford Street, etc. England is linguistically interchangeable with Britain, and the British Isles for that matter, unless you're from Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland. Nobody minds if you get them confused
It's all quite inexplicable without a Venn diagram, and we haven't even mentioned Cool Britannia or the Isle of Man. In any case the 'Great' was first put in Britain in an ad campaign for Sir Reginald Tuttle's Entirely Delicious Pasties in Pittsburgh in 1911. It caught on famously

2. Great Britain is now roughly equal in size to what?
A large school of tuna spotted off the coast of Madagascar in 1972
New York state excluding Schenectady
Lake Erie after a good rain

3. "Lie back and think of England" refers to which popular activity?
Servicing your Mini
Pub hopping: the aftermath

4. How can you tell when you've been well treated at a B&B?
Extra portion of fried bread
They turned the heat on
There's soap
The pub they sent you to wasn't The Slaughtered Lamb

5. What is Britain's most popular tourist attraction in terms of sheer number of visitors?
Tower of London
Moat of Slough
Women's Bathrooms at John Lewis

6. When do they raise London Bridge?
To wash it; it's easier turning the hose on and letting the water run downhill
Whenever too many old age pensioners congregate at either end
On a weekly basis to make sure it can be done in an emergency such as the Black Death or Morris dancing south of the river
Trick question designed to weed out people who are getting London Bridge mixed up with the one further down the Thames that actually does get raised (Waterloo Bridge, built in the 70s to honour ABBA)

7. What is the 'Chunnel'?
Tunnel dug by Steve McQueen in the movie The Great Escape to flee the talented but largely British cast
Underground passageway running from Buckingham Palace to Soho, used by Prince Philip when ambassadors from the Commonwealth come calling
The first link between Britain and the continental land mass since well before the ice age of the Thatcher years

8. You've just been made a peer of the realm. To what benefits does ennoblement entitle you?
Beverage of choice "on the house" at pubs as long as they have a bouncy castle in the garden
Free top-up on your BT phonecard
Reduced rate wig delousing powder at Boots

9. Who was the first Queen of England?
Mary I
William II
Jane Grey, who unfortunately lost her head before she had time to find it

10. "God Save the Queen" and what American song surprisingly share a melody but not the lyrics?
The Battle Hymn of the Republic
It's Raining Men
The 17th verse of "My Country 'Tis of Thee"

11. The cavernous British Museum in London holds which cherished national relics?
Prince Albert in the original can
Abbey Road, of Beatles fame. The whole road
A rare 'Rosetta Stone' containing parallel texts in Cockney, Geordie and English
An ancient mummified commuter from the Northern Line
Digital archive record of the world's oldest text message, 'HowRU?"
The preserved remains of Henry VIII's little-known first wife Bitsy, drawn and quartered for dusting too vigorously

12. Who or what is 'Big Ben'?
Queen Victoria's affectionate pet name for her consort's private parts
The tower in the Palace of Westminster which members of Parliament frequently climb to gawp at tourists.
The bell in the above-referenced tower
The clapper in the bell in the tower
The tall gentleman who winds the clock every month

13. What's so special about page 3 of The Sun?
It's where News Corporation proprietor Rupert Murdoch offers his daily and much-appreciated apology for the rest of the paper
Cricket scores
Ration Coupons for a nice cup of tea in an astute promotion which appeals to those of the war generation
Daily breast self-exam instructions produced in conjunction with the NHS

14. When the British mention the War, to which conflict are they referring?
The War of the Roses
First World War
Second World War, particularly before the Americans hot-rodded in and stole their women
The Falklands Contretemps

15. Periodically someone breaks into Buckingham Palace. What are they trying to accomplish?
Wish to have a nice cup of tea with the Queen but are unwilling to fill out the proper forms
Overly enthusiastic collectors of porcelain thimbles; they heard the Palace has a hoard never opened to the general public
Members of the Corgi Liberation Front

16. Driving on the left. What's that all about?
The Romans, who built the original (and still best maintained) road system in Britain, used to hold their weapons in their right hands to greet contraflow traffic with the 'sword of friendliness', so long as everyone else kept to the Highway Code. A side benefit was that they could scratch with their free left hand should it prove necessary. In fact some historians attribute the decline if not the fall of the Roman Empire to the failure of the Legions to enjoy a really satisfying scratch.
Because of the War
Technically they do drive on the right, just not their own right. Just goes to show how polite they are

17. Elton John's 'Candle in the Wind' was famously rewritten to commemorate what?
The passing of the Queen mother in 2002 at the age of 1001; now an affectionate 'birthday song' with lyrics inspired by the Beaufort scale referencing the force required to extinguish the candles on her last birthday cake
Sad reminder of the slow decline of the British Empire but with a new upbeat tempo
Bernie Taupin in-joke about Richard Harris's rendition of MacArthur Park

18. Hugh Grant was acting Prime Minister for three days in March 2002 while Tony Blair was in hospital having his smile modified for wide-screen digital television. True or false?
Probably true

19. In Britain it is necessary to purchase a special license to watch TV. Why is this?
The BBC often shows cleavage in authentic detail in period dramas
The corporation is still defending itself against litigation arising from the Great Storm of '87, prior to which their forecaster Michael Fish predicted with typical British understatement "it will get rather windy". Southeast England was devasted by the loss of 15 million trees and the Isle of Wight, later lovingly recreated by the National Trust in every particular
The license is only for the clicker/remote. 'Walkers' watch for free
License fee pays for the upkeep of retired television personalities such as Postman Pat, and a bungalow for Michael Fish at John O'Groats
Enforced raffle to pay for another terrestrial channel, as the British only have 4 (5 if you count channel 5)

20. Which personality famously said "I have nothing to declare but my genius" on entering the United States for the first time?
The effervescent Oscar Wilde. He then promptly ruined the effect by plunking down 5 cartons of fags. And he was Irish
Former Home Secretary David Blunkett, whose seeing eye dog still has diplomatic immunity and cannot be prosecuted for the bondage videos he frequently smuggles in
Victoria Beckham, innit
TV science presenter and writer Adam Hart Davis. His pink Brompton is not allowed into the country anyway

Bonus Question:
WMD rendered palatable by the cool 'I hate Marmite' ad campaign of '02
Kept the British navy afloat for centuries until the invention of a proper sealant
The only substance known to kill mad cow disease on contact

because it's fun clicking buttons, and it'll take you to Round Two
Warning: This button has stopped working (like much of Britain). Here's a reliable old link.

to repeatedly turn the porch lights on and off at Buckingham Palace