Category Archives: In the news
BREXIT FOR BREAKFAST
Historic vote to leave the EU surprises voters
This morning many British citizens awoke to discover that if enough people vote for something, that side ‘wins’. This quirk of democracy came as a shock to many, including some experts.
“I thought voting was a waste of time,” said William Vague, a distressed jeans distresser who cast his ballot to leave the European Union and unsuccessfully requested that his name not be used for fear of reprisals. “I’m used to voting in things like television reality shows. This has all turned a bit too real for me.”
Another voter caught off guard by the result was Theresa May, a giantess who works in London as a greeter at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
According to May, since the referendum, the popular tourist attraction has been thronged by visitors eager for souvenirs “before the wall goes up and all foreigners are cast out. The Queen’s leg has been stolen. We’ve temporarily replaced it with a Queen Anne chair leg. We’re doubling security to stop further outrages.”
Jeremy Hacksman of the think tank Pyjamas predicts that repercussions will be felt for generations to come. “Winston Churchill said democracy was the worst form of government, except for all the others. He was half right.”
THE HIGH COST OF HELP-TO-BUY
Critics point out that families may be torn apart
The Leek has discovered that the financial assistance scheme to help first time buyers onto the property ladder contains a clause which gives the government possession of homeowners’ children if mortgage payments are not made in a timely manner.
The housing minister defended the clause, saying “The government needs reassurances.” The shadow housing minister said the opposite, which she’s paid to do.
The hand that gives can also take away
To show that the policy has teeth, Prime Minister David Cameron personally visited mum Sharon, who is heavily in arrears, to remove her daugher Maisie from the household. Afterwards Mr Cameron tweeted: “It was lovely to meet you Sharon! You can enjoy your Maisie-nette as soon as it’s paid for.” Sharon also took to Twitter, writing: “I’ll find the money. #pleasedonthurther”
POTHOLES WINDOWS TO THE PAST
Resurfacing impedes archaeological discoveries
Spurred by the recent find of Richard III in a car park, councils across Britain have been easing off the repairing of potholes in the hope of uncovering illustrious bodies without going to the expense of digging for them. “It’s win-win for taxpayers,” said Elliot the Unready of East Sussex. “Anybody we find will bring tourists flocking. Meanwhile we save money to invest in better things, such as the arts.”
Although all monarchs are apparently accounted for except for Edward V, whose remains are believed to have been accidentally used as snuff by George IV during his regency, there is “a veritable treasure trove of minor royals and lost celebrities” lying just beneath the surface.