Category Archives: In the news
I barely knew who Arron Banks was. Now that I know a bit more, I barely care.
I know who Caroline Lucas is: the envy of idealistic 12-year-olds everywhere. (Nothing wrong with being young and idealistic; it’s better than being older and none the wiser.)
So, reading the latest of what passes for news, I see that the bad boy from Basingstoke prompted Lucas to report him after setting Twitter squawking with his expressed desire to see a teenager drown in the Atlantic ocean. Well, when you put it that way.
Having incited my own much more modest mob a number of years ago, and being versed in tribal politics, I find merit in his non-apology: “Obviously I don’t hope she encounters a freak yachting accident! … I just enjoy watching the ludicrous tweeter mob following the next outrage.” Doubtless he spat out the bones of a baby kitten immediately after providing that quote.
BREXIT FOR BREAKFAST
Historic vote to leave the EU surprises voters
This morning many British citizens awoke to discover that if enough people vote for something, that side ‘wins’. This quirk of democracy came as a shock to many, including some experts.
“I thought voting was a waste of time,” said William Vague, a distressed jeans distresser who cast his ballot to leave the European Union and unsuccessfully requested that his name not be used for fear of reprisals. “I’m used to voting in things like television reality shows. This has all turned a bit too real for me.”
Another voter caught off guard by the result was Theresa May, a giantess who works in London as a greeter at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
According to May, since the referendum, the popular tourist attraction has been thronged by visitors eager for souvenirs “before the wall goes up and all foreigners are cast out. The Queen’s leg has been stolen. We’ve temporarily replaced it with a Queen Anne chair leg. We’re doubling security to stop further outrages.”
Jeremy Hacksman of the think tank Pyjamas predicts that repercussions will be felt for generations to come. “Winston Churchill said democracy was the worst form of government, except for all the others. He was half right.”
THE HIGH COST OF HELP-TO-BUY
Critics point out that families may be torn apart
The Leek has discovered that the financial assistance scheme to help first time buyers onto the property ladder contains a clause which gives the government possession of homeowners’ children if mortgage payments are not made in a timely manner.
The housing minister defended the clause, saying “The government needs reassurances.” The shadow housing minister said the opposite, which she’s paid to do.
The hand that gives can also take away
To show that the policy has teeth, Prime Minister David Cameron personally visited mum Sharon, who is heavily in arrears, to remove her daugher Maisie from the household. Afterwards Mr Cameron tweeted: “It was lovely to meet you Sharon! You can enjoy your Maisie-nette as soon as it’s paid for.” Sharon also took to Twitter, writing: “I’ll find the money. #pleasedonthurther”