Category Archives: In the news
POTHOLES WINDOWS TO THE PAST
Resurfacing impedes archaeological discoveries
Spurred by the recent find of Richard III in a car park, councils across Britain have been easing off the repairing of potholes in the hope of uncovering illustrious bodies without going to the expense of digging for them. “It’s win-win for taxpayers,” said Elliot the Unready of East Sussex. “Anybody we find will bring tourists flocking. Meanwhile we save money to invest in better things, such as the arts.”
Although all monarchs are apparently accounted for except for Edward V, whose remains are believed to have been accidentally used as snuff by George IV during his regency, there is “a veritable treasure trove of minor royals and lost celebrities” lying just beneath the surface.
Better dead than red?
Medical authorities have issued a public health warning for red nose day.
“It’s not funny. Not funny at all,” according to British Medical Association spokesperson Reginald Nosegay. “Symptoms are too gruesome to relate, but you’ll know it when you see it. It isn’t lethal. Unfortunately some people just wish they were dead. At least for the day.”
The chief non-physical manifestation is a mania which can be trying for those not afflicted. This is difficult to avoid, as even the BBC is a known contagion. The BMA warns that if you must watch TV, to do so with your clicker at the ready.
The day the laughter died
Mobile units will be dispatched for outbreaks of passive aggressiveness. “The silliness can be enforced; it’s a bully’s paradise,” according to Nosegay. “This happens every two years. We’re prepared.”
The BMA is attempting to convince the public of the seriousness of red nose day with the launch of its own campaign, Stop Bully Clowns (Stop Bully Clwns in Wales). Funds collected are used to finance the search for a cure. Comedians are reported to already be lining up to help promote the cause.
Papacy defined by appetite, fast cars and loose robes
The first morning of new pope deliberations passed without major incident, though according to an anonymous source the old pope kept making prank phone calls to the Sistine Chapel asking for Ex-Benedict for breakfast. There are unconfirmed reports that this is funnier in Italian.
It takes an average of three days to elect a pontiff, which coincidentally matches the supply of cigarettes the cardinals are allowed to bring in.
Said to be high on the list of desirable qualities: Practising Catholic; not female; no outstanding warrants; a face which can be used on recruiting posters without scaring children. The last pope who met these criteria was John Paul II, who was often derided for only speaking 8 languages fluently.
The new pope faces many challenges, including not letting any newborns slip through the net, and keeping current Catholics in the fold in an age of increasing belief in competing religions. (“We should have thought of the flying spaghetti monster,” Benedict is reported to have said.) The incoming holy roller will also be charged with retrofitting the new popemobile with thrusters for faster starts out of the popecave.