Cannibal Lectern


Holy See sets sights on coeliacs
The Vatican has confirmed that gluten-intolerant individuals, while technically “God’s Children”, will have difficulty gaining entry into the Kingdom of Heaven. “It’s a grey area, legally,” according to the Pope’s consigliere Frankie Goes To Hollywood, who serves double duty as devil’s advocate in saint adjudication. “What we do know is that nobody likes a martyr. I mean we do, of course, but you know, not really.” He went on to suggest that God may show mercy, or may not, depending on how He’s feeling that day.

In a chain letter to Bishops, Pope Francis reminded the world’s 7.5 billion Catholics that the Eucharist is a “grande affare” [“big deal”] and the sacrament, one of many boxes which should be ticked by the faithful to ensure ease of entry through the pearly gates, is not subject to fads.

Coeliacs are outraged by the decision, and are promising a Day of Rage. “God created my inflammable intestines,” said Holly Johnson, DoR organiser. “I think it’s a bit rich to say that he now requires I consume wheat, which is like poison to me, in order to be a good Catholic.”

Experts say that’s exactly the sort of thing God would do.

It’s not the first time transubstantiation has hit the headlines. In 2009 Francis’s predecessor Pope Benedict briefly floated the idea of an all-you-can-drink mass before taking an abrupt holiday in a nunnery later discovered to have lap-dancing Tuesdays.

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