CONTENTS | LR

 

REVENUE COURT OF
YOUR CITY
SUMMONS/SHAKEDOWN
NO. 895570 Today
YOU ARE HEREBY SUMMONED TO APPEAR BEFORE THIS COURT TO PAY THE HIDDEN TAX OF HAVING A CAR IN THE CITY
Name:
Address:
Who is this piece of junk registered to, anyway?
Who taught you how to drive?
Does your brother drive on the sidewalk, too?
What were you doing the night before this picture was taken?
Did you know that falsifying your weight is a federal offense?
TRAFFIC OFFENSES
(CHECKMARK ALL THAT APPLY)

Unrepentant speeder $100
Failure to wear seatbelt which will fit decently around midriff $35
Failure to yield to a police vehicle which was going through a red light even though its lights/sirens weren't on (it's a perk) $50
Driving a car with a neon ring around its license plate and/or lights on its undercarriage, so it looks like it's floating at night, unless it looks really cool $75
Dropping litter from car window 5 yrs.
Dropping litter from car window if car has NY plates 20 yrs.
Driving a Ryder rental van towards the Holland Tunnel
a good beating
Getting a homicidal look in your eye just because somebody
(i.e., a woman) passed you $50
Following her and flashing your lights to show her who's boss $200
Car alarm fit alarmed anklet
Crowding rear window with so many stuffed animals that a hazard is created for other drivers whose children need to get a closer look $100
Unfathomable vanity plate $50
Possessing and using a dashtop deodoriser shaped
like a crown $150
Needing it $150
Necking, or having no neck $20
Sunday driver $35
Jamming on brakes in attempt to activate the airbag to "test it" $20
Honking horn / can't help it $45
Singing along with radio $15
Whistling to NPR theme $35
Forcing passengers to listen to Bob Grant Show $1200
Listening to Bob Grant and honking your horn Life
Giving tollbooth collector backtalk go to the end of the line
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES
Was just trying to make all the lights
Dislike driving behind __Buses/Trucks __Taxis __Anyone
Distracted by Doppler effect of ice cream truck music
Thought yellow meant go faster
Driving a Yugo
PARKING OFFENSES

Parking in front of fire hydrant $65
Parking at bus stop no problem
Double Parking $30
Having a Residential Permit on a car with NY plates for periods greater than a year it happens

METER VIOLATION

Meter No:
Was it jammed?
And you parked there anyway?

APPEARANCE AND WAVERING PLEA

By signing this document, I admit that I simply don't have time to schlep to traffic court, wait in line to be told I've come on the wrong day, and rearrange my life to come in again and hang around in court listening to the judge waive the fines of lawyers who've managed to get parking tickets themselves. I also relinquish my prerogative to argue with the judge that I was double parking in front of my own apartment building because of the street cleaning, which they usually never give you a ticket for, but this time some jerk happened to come along after me and park right across from my car, blocking the sweeper, so they gave both of us tickets, even though I was in the right place, sort of. Yes, your Honor, I understand, I'll pay the teller on the way out, thank you. (This is the last time I'm ever paying for a ticket, LET THEM DRAG ME IN, IN CHAINS.)

TAXPAYER'S SIGNATURE:
DATE SAID "SCREW IT, I'LL JUST SEND A CHECK" ___/___/___

NOTICE

IF YOU FAIL TO APPEAR IN RESPONSE TO THIS SUMMONS WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE A DOG YOU THINK THE IRS IS BAD HA WE LIVE HERE WITH YOU SOONER OR LATER OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AND YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER BUDDY.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH A PARKING OFFENSE DON'T ARGUE WITH THE GUY JOIN THE CROWD THAT'S LIFE.

(this ticket was printed, then distributed on car windshields as a promotion for the magazine)