POPE SIGNALS
Papacy defined by appetite, fast cars and loose robes
The first morning of new pope deliberations passed without major incident, though according to an anonymous source the old pope kept making prank phone calls to the Sistine Chapel asking for Ex-Benedict for breakfast. There are unconfirmed reports that this is funnier in Italian.
“Funnier in Italian”
It takes an average of three days to elect a pontiff, which coincidentally matches the supply of cigarettes the cardinals are allowed to bring in.
Said to be high on the list of desirable qualities: Practising Catholic; not female; no outstanding warrants; a face which can be used on recruiting posters without scaring children. The last pope who met these criteria was John Paul II, who was often derided for only speaking 8 languages fluently.
The new pope faces many challenges, including not letting any newborns slip through the net, and keeping current Catholics in the fold in an age of increasing belief in competing religions. (“We should have thought of the flying spaghetti monster,” Benedict is reported to have said.) The incoming holy roller will also be charged with retrofitting the new popemobile with thrusters for faster starts out of the popecave.
